Local Woman Wakes Up in Tears Every Morning, Says She Has Never Been Happier

Every morning, a woman in the Upper Quarter opens her eyes in tears. She would like everyone to know that this is going extremely well.

“In my world, I’m the drama queen,” she told this newspaper, seated in the middle of her living room so as to be visible from every door. She cries at breakfast, at the bus stop and, on good days, at the bakery on Ferrule Street, where the night shift has learned to keep a box of tissues by the till.

She has already planned her own funeral, she says, mostly so she can complain about it. She is looking for a partner, but only a “drama king” will do. Several applicants have been turned down for being too calm.

Asked whether she has considered being happy in a more ordinary way, she burst into tears and said it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to her.

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